Moving on while stuck in one place

2.5 years

941 days

22,599 hours

1,355,947 minutes

That is how long ago my first blog post was, written in the heat of the legal battle I was facing against my abuser...if you had told me then that I would still be dealing with so much after all this time, I don't know that I would have had the strength to continue.  A lot of what got me through those darkest, longest, most awful days was this promise people would give me that soon enough it would all be over and a long forgotten memory.  Were these people lying? No, I honestly think that they truly believed it would be done with. 

The court dates are done, the sentences were completed, the restraining orders have expired. So what more could I possibly have to write about?  Why now, am I suddenly opening up old wounds barely healed?  

One of the items still left outstanding is this pesky issue of getting divorced...yup, I may be legally separated but I am not legally divorced from the monster.  Typically, when two parties decide to divorce, each person gets their own council, and it can be done quite easily....but when one person has anti-social personality disorder, and has made a vow to not stop until your life is over, it really throws a wrench into things.  In 2011 I got a divorce lawyer, I walked away from everything, but the monster decided to not get a lawyer, and to purposely waste time sending letters, emails and calls to my legal council that made no sense. To make a long story short, $10,000 in and nowhere near resolution I had to let my lawyer go because I had no more money, was exhausted, and needed to save what little strength I had left to participate in the criminal charges against my ex.

Soon after my ex was on to another victim woman, and despite warning her and giving her information I only WISHED I had been given when I first met him, she was convinced he was changed, and it was me who was the real monster.  She attended every single criminal court trial, heard every one of my victim impact statements and stood by him during every sentencing.  If i'm being honest, I was counting on the fact that she got pregnant, and would likely want to get married....making HIM initiate divorce proceedings, in which case he could pay for and i'd happily sign off...but so far, no luck. 

I am so fortunate to have such a good life.  I am with the most amazing partner, I am surrounded by so many people who love and support me, I have a good job, a home, and a bright outlook on life.  I have met a lot of people and made a lot of friends that didn't know me during all that chaos, and I can talk about it quite openly without much emotion because otherwise it has the potential to consume me.  But I am always aware, that not far below the surface of my humor, smile, and confidence is this feeling of being constantly on edge.  Whenever I see a Thyssenkrupp truck or uniform, it could be him, if a truck is parked near my house and I don't recognize it, it could be him, an unknown caller on my phone, could be him, a knock on the door, no way i'm answering it if i'm home alone, and my phone is always in my hand as a safety blanket. After all, he swore on his life and vowed that he would never stop until my life is over, and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. 

Does he know where I live? I don't know. Does he know where I work? not sure.  Anyone who knows where we live knows not to share our address.... I have him, his family, and anyone connected to him completely blocked from any social media (including people who just happen to have similar names), but that never once stopped him from breaking all those restraining orders.  

So, if you're still reading, you might be thinking "ok, so whats the point of this blog post?" well, I find having an outlet to share my story very cathartic, and what compelled me to write this was the realization I had as I started to look into initiating divorce proceedings again...the VERY real possibility that doing this will trigger him to come after me again. If you read my past posts you'll remember he was assessed and deemed "moderate to high risk to re-offend" with triggers.  Someone I know asked a lawyer friend about how to apply for a divorce without a lawyer (as that is just not in my budget right now), and it turns out I have to get him served with papers, and those papers HAVE to have a return address on them, so now I have to hire a company to find where he lives or when he works to serve him, and I either have to put my home address on it (not a real option), or hope that opening a PO box far from where I live is sufficient. Either way, I need to think long and hard about the risks vs. rewards of breaking the final tie holding us together....and thats just super shitty.

Maybe he doesn't hit you

#maybehedoesnthityou was a trending hashtag on social media this past week to raise awareness about domestic violence.  

This isn’t a popular topic...it isn’t comfortable for people to talk about because it’s one of those hush hush things that we as a society have been taught to keep quiet about.  God forbid we make someone else uncomfortable.

I’m happy that this topic is becoming more mainstream and less taboo, because when victims feel like they have a voice, they are more likely to stand up for themselves, seek help, and get out.  I often wonder how differently my story would have played out if I had felt like I had a voice, and that telling someone (anyone) what was happening behind closed doors wouldn't be embarrassing, or putting them in an uncomfortable position.

I very clearly remember thinking in the beginning “but he doesn't hit me”...as if THAT was the thing that would make me leave, THAT would be abuse, not this other stuff.

This topic needs to be talked about, it needs to be talked about a lot, to everyone so that it becomes mainstream, and not uncomfortable, and not shameful. We need to start educating people at a young age what respectful, loving, and consenting relationships look like, and we need to empower those people who find themselves in bad relationships to leave them.

This really should be “maybe THEY don’t hit you” because abuse in any relationship, by anyone, is not ok.

Mine started with little comments about my weight, my looks, or how I did things, and it was always out of love. “My mom agrees you’re quite pretty for a bigger girl”.  Eventually these comments got bigger, more personal, and broke me down, leaving me to question any ounce of self esteem I might have had.

When he stayed over too many nights in a row, and I just wanted a night to myself, the tables spun so quickly I found myself apologizing for being insensitive and rude...and he stayed.

When he would start playfully tickling and wrestling and I’d ask him to stop after a bit, and he didn’t so I had to say it louder and more firmly, and he didn’t so I crawled away as fast as I could to get a chair and hold it between us….and he stopped and looked at me and said “I can’t believe you’d threaten to hit me with a chair, we were just having fun”...and before I knew it I was apologizing for scaring him.

Those are just three tiny, itty bitty examples of the abuse that I didn’t think I could talk about...because after all, he hadn't hit me.

A win for the victim? maybe?

Wednesday and Thursday of this week was the sentencing for the mischief over $5,000.  This was a crime from August 2011 when my ex found where I was living (the second home in five weeks).  I woke up in the morning and went to my car to find that there was a cut on the drivers side door, and when I unlocked the car and got in I noticed the seat belt had been cut.  I started looking around more and found the following:
- Every single leather seat in the vehicle was cut down to the frame
- I had one of each pair of shoes missing (about three pairs)
- My gym bag was missing
- Drivers side seat belt was cut 3/4 way through
- There were deep gouges in the dash
- My insurance papers were missing
- The exterior had long deep cuts around the entire vehicle
- The block heater cord was cut off
- The CRV decal on the back was ripped off
- A rusty tool was left on the windshield wipers (too rusty to fingerprint I was told)

I called my father and mother in law (his dad and step mom, who are incredible humans who were the ones who had told me about his past) and they called him and said "what did you do to her car?" and he responded with "I didn't cut....I mean I didn't touch her car".

Anyway, long story short, he was investigated and charged (one of many charges)....it finally went to trial in September 2014 where after three days of testifying and evidence being submitted and argued he was found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt which is an incredible feat in itself because it was all based on circumstantial evidence.

For those who don't know, once you're found guilty of a crime, you just go home and carry on life until a sentencing date has been set....in this case, four months.

Sentencing, as you read in my last post, has been nothing but a series of disappointment, so I went in with zero expectations. Well to my surprise this judge was a strong, no nonsense kind of judge who wasn't going to be joked around with (the defense lawyer tries very hard to joke and smooth talk his way to the court workers and its greasy and gross).  She had me come up and read my victim impact statement and even asked for further clarification on some of the items I mentioned including lost wages when I was forced to take stress leave for four months.  She HEARD me, she looked right at me and listened....that seems like it should be a given, but the last judge barely looked at me and then even couldn't remember if I had ever read my victim impact statement.

At the end, when the judge gave the opportunity for the defendant to speak (they always get the last word) he looked at the judge and told her he wanted to apologize, she interrupted him, pointed at me and then said "well then look at her an apologize".  I didn't look at him, I couldn't.  But my incredible support team stared him straight in the eyes as he babbled his way through a terrible apology.

This judge took into consideration he's at a moderate/high risk to re-offend, and although he now has a baby and a good job, he also has 43 prior convictions.

In total, the sentence handed down was (it should be noted that he rolled his eyes and smirked at me the entire time this was being read):
- 90 days jail, served on weekends...that means he checks in to jail on Saturday mornings at 9am and checks out again at 7pm on Sunday evenings.  Should take just over 11 months to complete
- He is ordered to pay $100 to the Alberta victims services fund
- He is ordered to pay me back the $250 deductible I had to pay to have my car repaired
- He is ordered to pay me back the four months of lost wages (as I was on reduced income for being on disability)
- He is ordered to pay back the cost of the car repairs the insurance company had to pay ($6,000)
- The Judge was so annoyed at the last judge only ordered him to stay 10 meters away from me that she upgraded it to 100 meters for two years (thats about a football field!)
- He is on probation for two years (no alcohol, no contacting me, no messing up) which is six months longer than his "house arrest" sentence (see my last post for why thats a bullshit sentence)

I want to be sure to show gratitude for this sentence, because it's a lot more than I was expecting, but if the past has taught me anything then this is why i'm angry about it.

- The ex has broken every single restraining order placed upon him (over 11)...why isn't that taken into account? because you have to be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that he did, and this is a serial criminal we're dealing with who knows how to get away with crimes better than most
- The ex has broken two of his probation's in the past, leading to his arrest
- The court looks at his history and see's its been 38 months since he's been convicted of a crime...that is vastly different than being innocent for the past 38 months (again, see my last post about what he's been up to since 2011)
- He's been diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder (see: sociopath) and therefor doesn't have a conscience
- The police don't seem to care (or be able to do anything) about the fact that he swore to me several times that he would never stop until my life was over (this among death threats etc), so I have a hard time believing he will be a reformed citizen of this fine Country just because he has to spend weekends in jail
- I must reiterate that he has 42 prior convictions including theft, vandalism, b&e, stalking, harassing...i'm not convinced that 43 is the charm and that the rest of his life will be a regular law abiding citizen

This IS a win.  This is a bullshit sentence considering his past convictions...but I have no choice but to count it a win considering the other court experiences I've had.

How does one summarize their experience as a victim dealing with domestic violence in Canada?

I have been fairly open about my experience in dealing with the Canadian Legal system as a victim of domestic violence.  Let me be very clear that I am in no way looking for a shoulder to cry on, or your sympathy, my intentions in writing this is to try to draw a clear picture of what I am faced with and the impact these crimes have on those who are affected.

I didn’t see the red flags when we first started dating, because abusers know better, it’s a slow and calculated dance they perfect to ensure that by the time you think you might be in trouble they have isolated you from your friends, made you feel like you are to blame for a lot of it, and become so entwined in your life that you wonder if it’s just easier to stay than to try and untangle yourself from this person.

I should have left when he stole from me the first time.  I should have left when he knocked the wind out of me the first time.  I should have left when he cheated on me the first time. I should have left when he chased me up the stairs screaming at me the first time. I should have left when he choked me the first time.  I should have left when he raped me the first time. I should have left when my friends and family accused him of stealing the first time.  I should have left when he refused to take me to the hospital when I had a kidney infection the first time.  I should have, but I didn’t….after all, I wasn’t one of those women with black eyes and bruised ribs.

The night I left I had nothing but a small bag and my two dogs, and as we ran across a room full of broken glass to my car I was convinced that it was over, that I could breathe. Silly me.

After a week of constant texts, voicemails, emails from him blaming me, apologizing to me, begging me, threatening me, laughing at me…I learned that he had a criminal history and had even spent time in a federal penitentiary…I guess he forgot to mention that on the first date.  He had over 35 prior convictions including stalking and harassing ex-girlfriends.

Nothing can prepare you for what I have had to live with over the last five years.

A brief summary: 

-          He trashed my car twice (over $5,000 in damage each time)

-          He called me daily/weekly from a payphone and threatened my life

-          He created over a dozen email addresses and fb profiles and harassed me on my personal page, the business page of where my dogs went to daycare, and on the business page of where I worked.  He sent me verbally abusive messages, he threatened to end my life, and he promised he would never stop until my life was over

-          He applied for credit in my name and was approved

-          He hacked into my e-mail and e-mailed my contacts pretending to be me

-          He broke into my rental unit in Okotoks and cut every single electrical wire in the unit, stole over $1,000 of my tenants property

-          He smeared feces and snot on the door to my rental unit and threw rotten fruit onto the balcony at all hours

-         He would message me and tell me how much fun it was following me and watching me

-          He put my personal belongings on kijiji for sale

-          He tampered with every single house I moved to (from breaking lights to leaving gates open)

-          He has broken every restraining order he has been issued

-          He figured out the name of who I was dating and sent them a friend request

-          He told my lawyer that if I didn’t try to get the charges against him dropped, he would never cooperate in the divorce (and has not to this day)…after $16,000 I had to let my lawyer go because I could no longer afford to fight

-         I lost a dream job because of his actions

-         I have had to move over six times

-         I have changed my phone number over four times

-         I have had to change my e-mail address three times

-         I have had to change vehicles three times

Once I left I did what I was supposed to do.  I called the police every.single.time.  I wrote statements, went in for interviews, provided evidence, and cooperated.  Of everything listed above he was only ever charged with about eleven crimes, and of those the crown prosecutor only felt about five had enough evidence to be worth going to court over (the rest get dropped), and of those five, TWO were strong enough to be found guilty beyond reasonable doubt…because judge and jury don’t get to know about the 35 prior convictions OR the pending charges unless he’s found guilty.

Why am I writing this now? Because yesterday the accused was sentenced to 18 months conditional house arrest for one of the charges (the crown was hoping for 18 months behind bars)…that means that he is allowed to go to work, go to the store, go to any personal appointments, and continue to further his education (thanks to his cushy new union job).  He will have to be in his home between the hours of 9pm and 5am every day, and is not allowed to consume alcohol or drugs.  He only has to stay 10 meters away from me.  10 meters is about the distance of across the street from my home, which means should he find out where I am living, he is legally entitled to park across the street from my house and watch me. Oh right, and let’s not forget the mandatory $100.00 he is ordered to pay me in restitution for his crimes.

I have had to endure three years of court dates where I have been questioned and cross examined, and made to feel like I’m lying and making things up.  I have had to tell my story over and over and over again to each new police officer that attended my calls.  I have lost friends, I have been doubted by those I trusted, and I have been told to “move on” more times than I can recall.  But I did it, and I stayed strong, I persevered in the name of justice, because that IS what we are supposed to do, when someone wrongs us we put our trust in the justice system to protect us.

There is nothing just about what I and thousands of other victims have had to endure.  We have nothing more than a legal system with a flawed design to keep criminals out of jail…I’m not sure how to end this article because the truth is there is no end in sight.