Maybe he doesn't hit you

#maybehedoesnthityou was a trending hashtag on social media this past week to raise awareness about domestic violence.  

This isn’t a popular topic...it isn’t comfortable for people to talk about because it’s one of those hush hush things that we as a society have been taught to keep quiet about.  God forbid we make someone else uncomfortable.

I’m happy that this topic is becoming more mainstream and less taboo, because when victims feel like they have a voice, they are more likely to stand up for themselves, seek help, and get out.  I often wonder how differently my story would have played out if I had felt like I had a voice, and that telling someone (anyone) what was happening behind closed doors wouldn't be embarrassing, or putting them in an uncomfortable position.

I very clearly remember thinking in the beginning “but he doesn't hit me”...as if THAT was the thing that would make me leave, THAT would be abuse, not this other stuff.

This topic needs to be talked about, it needs to be talked about a lot, to everyone so that it becomes mainstream, and not uncomfortable, and not shameful. We need to start educating people at a young age what respectful, loving, and consenting relationships look like, and we need to empower those people who find themselves in bad relationships to leave them.

This really should be “maybe THEY don’t hit you” because abuse in any relationship, by anyone, is not ok.

Mine started with little comments about my weight, my looks, or how I did things, and it was always out of love. “My mom agrees you’re quite pretty for a bigger girl”.  Eventually these comments got bigger, more personal, and broke me down, leaving me to question any ounce of self esteem I might have had.

When he stayed over too many nights in a row, and I just wanted a night to myself, the tables spun so quickly I found myself apologizing for being insensitive and rude...and he stayed.

When he would start playfully tickling and wrestling and I’d ask him to stop after a bit, and he didn’t so I had to say it louder and more firmly, and he didn’t so I crawled away as fast as I could to get a chair and hold it between us….and he stopped and looked at me and said “I can’t believe you’d threaten to hit me with a chair, we were just having fun”...and before I knew it I was apologizing for scaring him.

Those are just three tiny, itty bitty examples of the abuse that I didn’t think I could talk about...because after all, he hadn't hit me.