Maybe he doesn't hit you

#maybehedoesnthityou was a trending hashtag on social media this past week to raise awareness about domestic violence.  

This isn’t a popular topic...it isn’t comfortable for people to talk about because it’s one of those hush hush things that we as a society have been taught to keep quiet about.  God forbid we make someone else uncomfortable.

I’m happy that this topic is becoming more mainstream and less taboo, because when victims feel like they have a voice, they are more likely to stand up for themselves, seek help, and get out.  I often wonder how differently my story would have played out if I had felt like I had a voice, and that telling someone (anyone) what was happening behind closed doors wouldn't be embarrassing, or putting them in an uncomfortable position.

I very clearly remember thinking in the beginning “but he doesn't hit me”...as if THAT was the thing that would make me leave, THAT would be abuse, not this other stuff.

This topic needs to be talked about, it needs to be talked about a lot, to everyone so that it becomes mainstream, and not uncomfortable, and not shameful. We need to start educating people at a young age what respectful, loving, and consenting relationships look like, and we need to empower those people who find themselves in bad relationships to leave them.

This really should be “maybe THEY don’t hit you” because abuse in any relationship, by anyone, is not ok.

Mine started with little comments about my weight, my looks, or how I did things, and it was always out of love. “My mom agrees you’re quite pretty for a bigger girl”.  Eventually these comments got bigger, more personal, and broke me down, leaving me to question any ounce of self esteem I might have had.

When he stayed over too many nights in a row, and I just wanted a night to myself, the tables spun so quickly I found myself apologizing for being insensitive and rude...and he stayed.

When he would start playfully tickling and wrestling and I’d ask him to stop after a bit, and he didn’t so I had to say it louder and more firmly, and he didn’t so I crawled away as fast as I could to get a chair and hold it between us….and he stopped and looked at me and said “I can’t believe you’d threaten to hit me with a chair, we were just having fun”...and before I knew it I was apologizing for scaring him.

Those are just three tiny, itty bitty examples of the abuse that I didn’t think I could talk about...because after all, he hadn't hit me.

A win for the victim? maybe?

Wednesday and Thursday of this week was the sentencing for the mischief over $5,000.  This was a crime from August 2011 when my ex found where I was living (the second home in five weeks).  I woke up in the morning and went to my car to find that there was a cut on the drivers side door, and when I unlocked the car and got in I noticed the seat belt had been cut.  I started looking around more and found the following:
- Every single leather seat in the vehicle was cut down to the frame
- I had one of each pair of shoes missing (about three pairs)
- My gym bag was missing
- Drivers side seat belt was cut 3/4 way through
- There were deep gouges in the dash
- My insurance papers were missing
- The exterior had long deep cuts around the entire vehicle
- The block heater cord was cut off
- The CRV decal on the back was ripped off
- A rusty tool was left on the windshield wipers (too rusty to fingerprint I was told)

I called my father and mother in law (his dad and step mom, who are incredible humans who were the ones who had told me about his past) and they called him and said "what did you do to her car?" and he responded with "I didn't cut....I mean I didn't touch her car".

Anyway, long story short, he was investigated and charged (one of many charges)....it finally went to trial in September 2014 where after three days of testifying and evidence being submitted and argued he was found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt which is an incredible feat in itself because it was all based on circumstantial evidence.

For those who don't know, once you're found guilty of a crime, you just go home and carry on life until a sentencing date has been set....in this case, four months.

Sentencing, as you read in my last post, has been nothing but a series of disappointment, so I went in with zero expectations. Well to my surprise this judge was a strong, no nonsense kind of judge who wasn't going to be joked around with (the defense lawyer tries very hard to joke and smooth talk his way to the court workers and its greasy and gross).  She had me come up and read my victim impact statement and even asked for further clarification on some of the items I mentioned including lost wages when I was forced to take stress leave for four months.  She HEARD me, she looked right at me and listened....that seems like it should be a given, but the last judge barely looked at me and then even couldn't remember if I had ever read my victim impact statement.

At the end, when the judge gave the opportunity for the defendant to speak (they always get the last word) he looked at the judge and told her he wanted to apologize, she interrupted him, pointed at me and then said "well then look at her an apologize".  I didn't look at him, I couldn't.  But my incredible support team stared him straight in the eyes as he babbled his way through a terrible apology.

This judge took into consideration he's at a moderate/high risk to re-offend, and although he now has a baby and a good job, he also has 43 prior convictions.

In total, the sentence handed down was (it should be noted that he rolled his eyes and smirked at me the entire time this was being read):
- 90 days jail, served on weekends...that means he checks in to jail on Saturday mornings at 9am and checks out again at 7pm on Sunday evenings.  Should take just over 11 months to complete
- He is ordered to pay $100 to the Alberta victims services fund
- He is ordered to pay me back the $250 deductible I had to pay to have my car repaired
- He is ordered to pay me back the four months of lost wages (as I was on reduced income for being on disability)
- He is ordered to pay back the cost of the car repairs the insurance company had to pay ($6,000)
- The Judge was so annoyed at the last judge only ordered him to stay 10 meters away from me that she upgraded it to 100 meters for two years (thats about a football field!)
- He is on probation for two years (no alcohol, no contacting me, no messing up) which is six months longer than his "house arrest" sentence (see my last post for why thats a bullshit sentence)

I want to be sure to show gratitude for this sentence, because it's a lot more than I was expecting, but if the past has taught me anything then this is why i'm angry about it.

- The ex has broken every single restraining order placed upon him (over 11)...why isn't that taken into account? because you have to be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that he did, and this is a serial criminal we're dealing with who knows how to get away with crimes better than most
- The ex has broken two of his probation's in the past, leading to his arrest
- The court looks at his history and see's its been 38 months since he's been convicted of a crime...that is vastly different than being innocent for the past 38 months (again, see my last post about what he's been up to since 2011)
- He's been diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder (see: sociopath) and therefor doesn't have a conscience
- The police don't seem to care (or be able to do anything) about the fact that he swore to me several times that he would never stop until my life was over (this among death threats etc), so I have a hard time believing he will be a reformed citizen of this fine Country just because he has to spend weekends in jail
- I must reiterate that he has 42 prior convictions including theft, vandalism, b&e, stalking, harassing...i'm not convinced that 43 is the charm and that the rest of his life will be a regular law abiding citizen

This IS a win.  This is a bullshit sentence considering his past convictions...but I have no choice but to count it a win considering the other court experiences I've had.