Friday 13 July 2018

Moving on while stuck in one place

2.5 years
941 days
22,599 hours
1,355,947 minutes

That is how long ago my first blog post was, written in the heat of the legal battle I was facing against my abuser...if you had told me then that I would still be dealing with so much after all this time, I don't know that I would have had the strength to continue.  A lot of what got me through those darkest, longest, most awful days was this promise people would give me that soon enough it would all be over and a long forgotten memory.  Were these people lying? No, I honestly think that they truly believed it would be done with. 

The court dates are done, the sentences were completed, the restraining orders have expired. So what more could I possibly have to write about?  Why now, am I suddenly opening up old wounds barely healed?  

One of the items still left outstanding is this pesky issue of getting divorced...yup, I may be legally separated but I am not legally divorced from the monster.  Typically, when two parties decide to divorce, each person gets their own council, and it can be done quite easily....but when one person has anti-social personality disorder, and has made a vow to not stop until your life is over, it really throws a wrench into things.  In 2011 I got a divorce lawyer, I walked away from everything, but the monster decided to not get a lawyer, and to purposely waste time sending letters, emails and calls to my legal council that made no sense. To make a long story short, $10,000 in and nowhere near resolution I had to let my lawyer go because I had no more money, was exhausted, and needed to save what little strength I had left to participate in the criminal charges against my ex.

Soon after my ex was on to another victim woman, and despite warning her and giving her information I only WISHED I had been given when I first met him, she was convinced he was changed, and it was me who was the real monster.  She attended every single criminal court trial, heard every one of my victim impact statements and stood by him during every sentencing.  If i'm being honest, I was counting on the fact that she got pregnant, and would likely want to get married....making HIM initiate divorce proceedings, in which case he could pay for and i'd happily sign off...but so far, no luck. 

I am so fortunate to have such a good life.  I am with the most amazing partner, I am surrounded by so many people who love and support me, I have a good job, a home, and a bright outlook on life.  I have met a lot of people and made a lot of friends that didn't know me during all that chaos, and I can talk about it quite openly without much emotion because otherwise it has the potential to consume me.  But I am always aware, that not far below the surface of my humor, smile, and confidence is this feeling of being constantly on edge.  Whenever I see a Thyssenkrupp truck or uniform, it could be him, if a truck is parked near my house and I don't recognize it, it could be him, an unknown caller on my phone, could be him, a knock on the door, no way i'm answering it if i'm home alone, and my phone is always in my hand as a safety blanket. After all, he swore on his life and vowed that he would never stop until my life is over, and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. 

Does he know where I live? I don't know. Does he know where I work? not sure.  Anyone who knows where we live knows not to share our address.... I have him, his family, and anyone connected to him completely blocked from any social media (including people who just happen to have similar names), but that never once stopped him from breaking all those restraining orders.  

So, if you're still reading, you might be thinking "ok, so whats the point of this blog post?" well, I find having an outlet to share my story very cathartic, and what compelled me to write this was the realization I had as I started to look into initiating divorce proceedings again...the VERY real possibility that doing this will trigger him to come after me again. If you read my past posts you'll remember he was assessed and deemed "moderate to high risk to re-offend" with triggers.  Someone I know asked a lawyer friend about how to apply for a divorce without a lawyer (as that is just not in my budget right now), and it turns out I have to get him served with papers, and those papers HAVE to have a return address on them, so now I have to hire a company to find where he lives or when he works to serve him, and I either have to put my home address on it (not a real option), or hope that opening a PO box far from where I live is sufficient. Either way, I need to think long and hard about the risks vs. rewards of breaking the final tie holding us together....and thats just super shitty.

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